Foolproof New Years Resolutions

It is the beginning of a new year, which means it is time again to take stock and identify changes that will make me a better person and improve the quality of my life.

I have decided I will use my list from last year, which will save time. I can do this because I tend to set the same unrealistic goals yearly. For example: I will never eat anything again for the rest of my life. Really? The worst part about New Year's resolutions is that they are short-lived. My wedding gown negligee lasted longer than the promises I made to myself on various January firsts through the years.

But I have figured it out. I am going to share my secret with you. If you follow my instructions, you can also wow your friends in April by announcing that you have honored your New Year's resolutions for four months.

My secret is this: When you make your New Year's resolutions wish list this year, select the kinds of resolutions that you could execute successfully even if you were in a coma.

For example “ I promise to air out the sheets on my bed every day, leaving it unmade.” I also resolve to reduce my sugar and fat intake whenever I am not currently eating sugar and fat,” “I resolve to end the new year older than I am today.” And the resolution I make every year that I will lose twenty pounds is being replaced by I will not attend any Elvis impersonations. I think I can successfully manage these things.

Happy New Year to you all.

Schar Ward